There they are again, fighting and screaming over that same stuffed animal and the last slice of pizza. How many times have you had to play referee between them? It’s exhausting. You’re frustrated, overwhelmed, and frankly, just plain tired of your kids’ constant squabbles. But will it last forever? And could sibling rivalry have long-term consequences on your children’s relationship with each other?
Psychologist Susan Albers, PsyD, offers some helpful tips to create a peaceful, cooperative home environment. Let’s explore some strategies for managing sibling rivalry and minimizing conflict.
What is sibling rivalry?
Sibling rivalry describes the inevitable competition and animosity that occurs between siblings. This kind of relationship happens most often in siblings close in age, but it can also occur between siblings who aren’t blood-related. Rather than a one-time dispute over who’s getting better grades or that highly coveted last piece of Halloween candy, sibling rivalry tends to flare up often, consistently, and sometimes, without any known common denominator.
“A relationship with siblings is one of the earliest and long-lasting relationships people develop,” says Dr. Albers. “Siblings are a child’s first peer group where they learn critical social skills like how to share, how to manage conflict, and how to communicate.”
The psychology behind sibling rivalry
The first step in managing family feuds is understanding their potential causes. Your kids probably aren’t fighting just because one toy is better or one piece of cake is larger. Instead, the majority of fights arise due to underlying causes related to birth order and family dynamics.
For firstborn children, their largest source of comfort, safety, and admiration comes from their parents. But introduce another sibling, and they suddenly feel like they need to compete for your attention. This can be true even if you don’t make any intentional changes — because a sibling might perceive the slightest differences in how you talk, interact with, and react to their sibling as potential threats to their own comfort and well-being.
“The feeling of competition is at the root of sibling rivalry,” explains Dr. Albers. “Not all competition is negative. It can make you work harder. But in sibling dynamics, it can become toxic and damaging when it is taken too far or fostered by parents.”
Differences in developmental stages and competing desires for your attention can lead to moments of jealousy or misunderstanding. When your kids are young, most of the causes for sibling rivalry, like age difference or temperament, are impossible to change. That makes sibling rivalry, unfortunately, an inevitable reality.
But if you make an intentional effort to foster cooperation, reduce favoritism, and direct attention to the problems as they arise, you can help reduce the long-term effects of rivalry and the frequency with which these problems occur.
“All hope is not lost,” says Dr. Albers. “There is no way to stop the bickering forever, but there are many ways to minimize conflict and to maximize productive resolution.”
Adult sibling rivalry
Rivalry can even affect your kids as they get older if they develop a poor sense of self-esteem and have difficulty maintaining friendships. In cases of older adults, behavioral therapy and identifying strategies for helpful coping mechanisms can help address aggression and conflict that can arise from strained relationships.
Sometimes, adults can develop sibling rivalry later on in life, too, even if they never had that kind of relationship earlier in their childhood. When this happens, it’s often a result of being unable to manage conflict in a proactive way or because of underlying mental health conditions like anxiety, depression, or stress.
“Long-term sibling rivalry can wear on you emotionally and turn holidays and family get-togethers into unhappy and dreaded occasions,” notes Dr. Albers. “A therapist can help you identify how to cope with this ongoing relationship and assist in identifying boundaries, communication styles, trigger buttons, and how to let things go.”
10 tips for dealing with sibling rivalry
When you’re overwhelmed with bickering children, it can be difficult to isolate the real reason behind arguments and head off any lingering animosity. But it’s possible to redirect conflicts toward more positive solutions by making small, everyday changes. Here are some strategies that can help prevent sibling rivalry and ways to stop it in its tracks:
1. Stay calm, quiet, and in control
Pay attention to what your kids are doing so you can intervene before a situation begins or escalates. Keep your cool, and your kids will learn to do the same.
2. Create a cooperative environment
Avoid comparing your children, favoring one over the other, or encouraging competition between them. Instead, create opportunities for cooperation and compromise by empowering them to play together, explore their individual curiosities, and share time with you.
Don’t forget to set a good example, too. How parents interact with one another sets an example for how children should interact. If your children see that you or your partner slam doors or have loud arguments, they’re more likely to do the same and see it as a proper way of handling their issues.
3. Celebrate individuality
Children are less likely to fight if they feel you appreciate each of them as an individual. Start by avoiding labels and let each child know that they’re special to you by spending time with them individually. Then, make sure that everyone has the space and time they need to be alone.
4. Plan fun family time
Family dinners, playing board games, spending time at the park, and doing activities are great ways for children to bond and share positive memories together. These moments give children less incentive to pick fights with each other and give them an opportunity to spend more time with you.
5. Treat kids fairly, not equally
For parents, fairness is essential, but fair doesn’t always mean equal. Punishments and rewards should be tailored to your children’s individual needs. That kind of fairness will go a long way.
6. It takes two to tangle
Instead of playing the blame game, focus on each child’s role in the situation. A good way to get at the root cause of conflict is to sit everyone down together, talk about how everyone involved is feeling, and find helpful ways to manage that conflict better in the future.
7. Listen
During a fight, most children are frustrated and emotional. Although their emotions are not an excuse for negative or aggressive behavior, children will be more likely to cooperate if they feel they’re being heard. Take the time to just listen to your children and respect their feelings. Reiterate that violence isn’t tolerated and isn’t acceptable.
8. Give children problem-solving tools
In order to avoid future disputes, use conflict as an opportunity to provide your children with tools for solving future problems. Demonstrate how they might compromise, share, or approach a similar situation in a more positive, appropriate way.
9. Make discipline private
If a spat between siblings results in the need for discipline, avoid making the conversation public. This can shame a child in front of their siblings, creating greater animosity between them. This is the time to teach a lesson — not make an announcement.
10. Have a family meeting
Gather the family and talk to give everybody a chance to say what they want to say. It’s also an opportunity to establish house rules that family members can agree to follow. Hang these rules in a public space, like the kitchen, to remind everyone of their commitment to being a happy, healthy family.
Does sibling rivalry ever end?
When each new conflict ends, it feels like you’ve won the battle until the next war comes along. But sibling rivalries don’t always last forever, as long as you’re taking the time and creating the space to address each conflict head-on.
The more conscious you are about parenting, the easier it will be to navigate these battles between siblings. In truth, your kids are ever vigilant and always watching. By leading through example, taking time out to address any lingering animosity, and fostering togetherness, your kids will learn to lean on each other and support one another over time.
“Nothing makes a parent happier than harmony in their family, particularly between their children,” says Dr. Albers. “The good news is many families can work through the rivalry and turn conflict into deep connection.”
FAQs
Q: Can sibling rivalry affect adult relationships?
A: Yes, if sibling rivalry is not addressed, it can impact a person’s ability to form and maintain healthy relationships throughout their life. Therapeutic intervention can help address the underlying issues and foster better relationships.
Q: How can parents manage sibling rivalry?
A: Parents can manage sibling rivalry by fostering cooperation, treating children fairly, and creating opportunities for positive interactions and individuality. It’s important to set a good example, listen to children’s feelings, and provide them with problem-solving tools.
Q: Will sibling rivalry last forever?
A: Sibling rivalry doesn’t have to last forever. By addressing conflicts head-on, fostering togetherness, and leading through example, children can learn to support and lean on each other as they grow older.
Conclusion
Sibling rivalry can be challenging for parents, but by implementing the right strategies, it is possible to create a more peaceful and harmonious home environment. Remember to stay calm, create a cooperative atmosphere, celebrate each child’s individuality, and provide problem-solving tools. With time and effort, sibling rivalry can be transformed into a deep and connected relationship between siblings.